The 5781 Purim Gazette
Our annual Purim spiel from professor Essie Fresser offers news on the latest burping remedy, alternative vehicles for hire, and sticky archeological discovery.
Welcome to our annual Purim Gazette, edited by award-winning journalist and all-round swell gal, professor Essie Fresser.
Dr. Fresser, an avid shuffleboard competitor and tango enthusiast, is also the co-host of a Jewish cooking show, “Fressin’ with Essie.”
Icy Sensation Grepsicle At Last
Dare’s icy anodyne will soon appear at convenient sites in Atlanta. Two Grepsicle kiosks are slated for food courts at Lenox and Perimeter malls, and a freestanding upscale Grepsicle shop is coming to the Avalon community. Additionally, a Grepsicle food truck will stop at enrolled congregations following Mens’ Club breakfasts.
Dare has a background in frozen cures for other common conditions, notably the popular Zitsicle and Baldsicle. When asked about Grepsicle ingredients, Dare snappily responded, “You’re not the first person who tried to steal my ideas, and I’m not giving out samples.” Dare was equally secretive about the Zitsicle and Baldsicle, his company’s biggest sellers. Zitsicle vending machines are on back-order during the pandemic, but are slated to be installed in movie theaters and high school cafeterias nationwide.
Rickshaws Come to Atlanta
The far-thinking mayor, after taking a spin in one of the rickshaws, loved the virally resistant fresh air ride and calculated the long-term benefit of a rickshaw corps on the city’s environment. In a secretly taped discussion with deputy mayor Clay Feete, Bottoms grumbled, “Let’s see if those clean-air fanatics who dumped scooters all over the place will transition to become rickshaw riders. I’ve had it with those kvetchers.”
The City of Atlanta authorized Bymey to purchase a dozen rickshaws from Indonesia and start on-site training of quick-witted operators on I-285 between 4:00 and 6:00 pm. Bymie expressed his delight, “I’m proud that my children’s poor driving scores will help global warming.”
Researchers Collaborate on ‘Thinq Tanq’
In a terse phone interview, Thinq Tanq subject Flo Freely explained, “How would you feel if your family played Twenty Questions and Twister all day long? Dr. Pippik and Mr. Matrix are my heroes.”
Disturbance at the Kotel
Word leaked out about the planned cleansing, and at the crack of dawn, Orthodox Jews and Evangelical Christians got there first to form a human chain barring the workers from modifying the holy site. Their strategic Kotel protection effort was bolstered by verbal support from red-string sellers, whose daily livelihood is directly linked to a steady supply of superstitious Kotel visitors. Soon, groups of Yeshiva students raced from their breakfast tables and pelted the pressure washers with hard boiled eggs and sardines.
Within minutes, crew manager Ahmad bin Jamal and his workers grabbed their equipment and ran, dodging bags of Krembo and Bissli the Evangelicals hurled at them from well-stocked bible tote bags.
On the evening news, outgoing Knesset member Tsippi Sodeh was sanguine about the incident. “Coalition governments are used to balancing religion and economics. We acknowledge the sanctity of the Kotel and just wanted to spiff it up a bit. Let the next government worry about it.” She was quick to add, “The Pressure Washers Union has been assured that workers will receive a full day’s pay and lunch money, and all eggshells and food wrappers will be removed from damaged equipment.”
Counting the Omers
When the call for photos came out, a group of Israelis with names similar to Omer demanded inclusion. The dissonance was led by popular journalist Amir Tsarfati and classics professor Homer Ratz. A group of librarians demanded a posthumous inclusion of the Muslim philosopher and poet Omar Khayyam, and selfies arrived from the Emirs of Qatar and Kuwait. A menacing unsigned letter from Sicily warned that a possible misapplication of the omerta code will have dire consequences.
Will the counting of the Omers proceed as planned? The conflict has reached the chambers of Israel’s Supreme Court, with time running out for a ruling.
World’s Oldest Gum Found on Ancient Sandal
This amazing discovery answered a question that has confounded scholars for centuries: Did the Jewish people have snacks, anxiety reducers or palate cleansers during their 40 years of nomadic life? The small, wadded substance, resembling dried Silly Putty, adhering to the sandal sole, may answer that timeless conundrum. The discovery led to gossip in archeological circles that certain unclassified wadded relics stuck under ancient desks may finally have been identified.
A number of experts from the Cairo Museum and the Rockefeller Archeological Museum were invited to weigh in on the discovery, and they came to a consensus opinion. Speaking for the multi-national group, Ben Dover had this to say, “We have no choice but to assume that ancient Hebrews chewed gum. Whether this was a substance carried out of Egypt or part of the daily manna remains unclear.”
Pandemic Jewish Studies
- Purge to a Psalm: Get rid of all the junk in your basement while listening to King David’s poetry.
- Waiting One-on-One: Bring your study partner with you as you sit in your car before your vaccination.
- Balloon Bible: Soar with your pod in a hot-air balloon while reviewing the weekly Torah portion.
- Rake with Rashi: Enhance your lawn maintenance time by contemplating commentary by the medieval scholar.
- Cook and Conjugate: Practice Hebrew verbs while preparing Shabbat meals.
- Wash and Dry Deliberation: Ponder hamantashen fillings while doing laundry.
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