The 5782 Purim Gazette

Devoted fans can’t get enough of Professor Fresser’s beloved syndicated column, Bring Your Own Lunch, which often appears in this newspaper.

World’s Largest Etrog

Backyard farmer Pinky Nagelvasser’s 200-lb. rutabaga and 150-lb. cucumber won first place in Georgia’s “Bigger is Better” fruit and vegetable round-up in 2019 and 2020, respectively. In 2021, Nagelvasser garnered a blue ribbon for his mammoth 300-lb. pineapple, which he eventually sliced with a chain saw. But how could he use his agrarian expertise and outstanding backyard soil to nourish his own roots?
During the pandemic, Zoom calls with relatives in Rishon LeZion, Pinky found the answer. He vowed to grow the world’s largest etrog in 2022, in time for Sukkot.
The Guinness Book of World Records agreed to create a new category, “Etrog.” A Guinness representative remarked in a phone interview, “When we saw adults fighting over the big ones on YouTube, we knew this would attract attention.” He added, “So far, Nagelvasser is the only contender, but we’re open to ethnic delicacies from all races [sic]. We got a great response when we included the world’s largest garden slug. That was a doozy!”

Druids Start Construction in DeKalb County
Puzzled by strange stone construction underway in the Toco Hills shopping center, Atlanta Jewish Times’ intrepid reporter Lupita Fognotz approached the group of robed men and women hard at work chiseling huge masses of bluestone. Fognotz discovered that the priestly group of Celts, known as Druids, were preparing to welcome the summer solstice in June by erecting a worship site in North Druid Hills. “For thousands of years, we’ve been celebrating in England,” red-bearded spokesperson Rowan Eeay explained, “but when we learned of the multitude of worship sites in the Druid Hills area, and the prophetic and revelatory street and community names, we Druids knew we were destined to build our sacrifice site here. As long as everybody leaves us alone, we’ll stick to animals.”

Terrified shopping center merchants, aware of the Druid’s sacrificial temple plan, have been clandestinely strategizing to get rid of them; however, no one was willing to be quoted for this story. Word on the street is that attorney David Schoen has been approached to take their case.

Community Leader Invents Skin Plumper
Before heading to an important JF&CS meeting, Tara Boom-Deeay took a few seconds to steam iron her linen trousers, but misread the temperature setting, singeing her eyebrows and super-heating her forehead and cheeks. Looking in the mirror to assess the damage, Boom-Deeay was astonished that her once-troublesome facial lines, folds and creases had become smooth, supple, bright pink and pleasantly plump. The incident provoked Boom-Deeay to take her face into her own hands, so to speak. She immediately texted her daughter, Bella, a vapor major at Georgia Tech, and together they invented the Skin Plumper.

At the height of the pandemic (according to The National Expirer) millions of homebound Americans, deprived of visits to their estheticians, spent hours obsessing over their looks and consequently wallowing in self-loathing. The Skin Plumper, modeled after Boom-Deeay’s steam episode, was quickly patented and produced by Bella Boom–Deeay’s Tech team. In its first three months, twice as many Skin Plumpers were sold as the legendary George Forman Grills or Chia Pets. To date, there have been a mere handful of lawsuits and no fatalities. Now the mother-daughter Boom-Deeay duo is experimenting with a new product: The Zit-Off, made entirely from common household cleaning products.

Ask The Rebbetzin

Rebbetzin Frieda Hockmesser, amateur psychoanalyst and popular talk show hostess on station FRUM, answers queries from our readers.

Dear Rebbetzin Hockmesser,

My (former) best friend, Helen, borrowed my designer white silk cocktail dress with a matching jacket for a family simcha. At the reception, she spilled a glass of Manischewitz elderberry wine on the front of both garments. I took them to a specialty French cleaner who said they could take care of both stains for $60, plus tax. Helen wants to take my clothes to a neighborhood cleaner she uses, who charges $2.99 per garment. How can I get Helen to pay $60, plus tax, and at the same time rekindle our friendship?
Anxious in Alpharetta

Dear Anxious,                                                                                                              So what if you can’t rekindle? Friend, schmend! Insist that Helen pay to have the stains removed by the fancy cleaner. A designer white silk cocktail dress with matching jacket? I should only have such an outfit!

Dear Rebbetzin Hockmesser,                                                                                  We sent our daughter, Charlene, to an ivy league university, and always gave her the best of everything. She had quite a few pets, but we didn’t see the writing on the wall. At college, she met Billy, one of those hairy, outdoorsy types. They got married and bought land in Conyers. Yesterday, Charlene showed us a picture of the two of them riding mules, and she told us that she wants to pursue a degree in Animal Husbandry. Do you think it’s fair that we spent a fortune on her education, and now she wants to learn how to raise livestock?
Distraught in Duluth

Dear Distraught,                                                                                                          You are not alone in this situation, and I know what I’m talking about. However, I wouldn’t worry. My experience tells me that Charlene and Billy’s children will desire big houses and fancy cars. Stay close to Charlene and Billy, but keep your distance from the mules.

Dear Rebbetzin Hockmesser,                                                                                      My newly-widowed father came to live with us. He’s great and we’d welcome him with open arms, except for one problem. When my mother passed, Dad bought a peacock as a comfort pet, and now takes the bird everywhere he goes. Our biggest concern is when friends come over. Even though we’ve begged him to keep Pepe in the backyard when we have guests, Dad gets the urge to bring him in, and inevitably the feathers open. It’s only a matter of time until a feather will poke somebody’s eye out. Not only that: Pepe constantly makes very unpleasant screeching sounds. Everybody’s talking about us, and our kids stay in their rooms and only come out for food. You probably wonder why Dad chose a peacock for comfort. He says it reminds him of Mom.
Nervous in Norcross

Dear Nervous,
If you don’t want to dislodge your father, there’s only one way to get him to replace Pepe. Introduce him to someone like your late mother. Feel free to contact me for referrals.

Whoopi Goldberg Promotes Jewish Race
In an attempt to quell criticism of her widely-publicized Holocaust comments, The View’s Whoopi Goldberg professed her affection for Jews by offering to sponsor a pre-Olympics “Jewish Race” in Paris in 2024. The event would feature Jewish marathoners from around the world, “Because, you know, Jews are all over the place and they love to compete,” she explained. Goldberg even hinted that she might train and run with them. “I didn’t take the name Goldberg frivolously,” she declared. Goldberg floated the plan to the Olympic committee, which, as of press time, was too stunned to respond.

Popular Musicians Featured in “What They Eat”
Former Atlanta Jewish Crimes literary, music, drama and food critic Polly Esther Pantz’s new book is a compendium of essays written by music greats who reveal their favorite food choices, and even make an occasional confession. “The candid stories in this book offer fans an intimate look at the guts of musical icons,” Pantz hints, “and I guarantee a few bombshells.” A tight lid is being kept on the book’s contents until its launch at the MJCCA Book Festival, but Pantz, ever loyal to her Atlanta readers, sends a random sample of chapter headings:
Bob Dylan: Like a Rolling Scone
Led Zeppelin: Nobody’s Fat but Mine
The Beatles: All You Need is Lox
Adele: Jello
The Eagles: Hotel California Rolls
ABBA: Take a Chance on Meat
Sam Cooke: Twizzlers the Night Away
Elvis Presley: Jailhouse Rock Cornish Hen
Lady Gaga: Million Raisins
The Rolling Stones: You Can’t Always Eat What You Want
David Bowie: The Width of a Girdle
“Those chapters are just a taste of the book’s innards,” Pantz promises.