The 5783 Purim Gazette

Welcome to the 2023 Purim Gazette. Once again, Professor Essie Fresser, host of the podcast, “I Got Here First,” joins our staff as Acting Editor-in-Chief, while our permanent editorial team spends the next six months sitting idly by and tweeting friends.

Questions and comments for Professor Fresser may be directed to this publication, but do us a favor: make your letter to the editor brief and positive, or just keep your opinion to yourself.

New Party Venues

The Atlanta Jewish Times frequently is asked to recommend novel party sites in which to celebrate family simchas. As a community service, our intrepid reporters have identified the following unique celebration venues.

Home Depot—Hankering for a rustic, all-American event? Home Depot fills all your needs. Food stations are arranged at display BBQ grills and portable fire pits, and you may take advantage of Home Depot’s all-new gardening-glove catering. Invitees will frolic on wide, sawdusty floors among the fragrant lumber or do the Hora in the loading area. Sales staff will entertain by duplicating a house key for guest families and demonstrating hand tools and home appliances (bring your own laundry). A complimentary can of “oops” paint will be given to attendees upon departure.

Public Library—This venue is perfect for the singles literary crowd, many of whom prefer reading to rock ‘n’ roll (who doesn’t?). Trained librarians tend the bar at the check-out counter, and the periodicals section provides comfortable seating for discriminating guests who may not wish to mix and mingle in the stacks. Note to party planners: no food may be served in this venue.

AAA Automotive Service Center—Have your oil changed or tires rotated while dancing in our spacious, well-oiled garage. This informal venue is a welcoming site for casual fetes, and all ages will enjoy riding up and down the lifts (not recommended for individuals with inner ear conditions). Nattily-uniformed mechanics serve dinner in the homey waiting areas, where free serve-yourself coffee is available throughout the celebration.

Goodwill Thrift Store —This site is perfect for Sweet Sixteen and Quinceanera celebrations. Photographers capture special moments while teens and their parents have fun trying on gently-used clothing and checking for cushion stains on furniture in our popular, fully-stocked facility. Enter through the convenient receiving dock, and spend an enjoyable evening dancing and dining while sorting through linens, glassware, and vintage computer manuals during band breaks.

Center for World Jewelry Antisemitism Probe

Gemologists at The Center for World Jewelry were confounded when monetary donations began to pour into their southern branch office in Atlanta. The gifts, in multiples of $18, seemed clearly unconnected to the Center’s mission of buying and selling bracelets and brooches. Seymour Cleerly, senior ruby appraiser, was puzzled until he figured out that CWJ’s ad, reading ‘Center for World Jewry’ in the neighborhood papers, had not been vetted.

“This misleading ad is clearly intentional, an open-and-shut act of journalistic antisemitism,” Cleerly declared definitively to the reporters he had summoned. Presently, a special state investigation has been launched to determine whether the ad, if intentional, falls under the category of “a hate crime.”

Three-bedroom Treehouses in Johns Creek

The Johns Creek City Council, seeking to alleviate the futile search for affordable housing in north Atlanta, has come up with a unique solution. A commission, appointed by Mayor Barry Berrybush, approved the construction of two dozen three-bedroom family-size treehouses in the leafy back yards of Johns Creek private homes. These treehouses will be designated as the trendy ADUs (accessory dwelling units) being built throughout Atlanta.

“Approved private homeowners who open their verdant yards to treehouse construction will receive a considerable tax reduction, and I mean considerable,” averred Mayor Berrybush, who has led the way with a Colonial-style treehouse in his favorite elm tree. Construction of Johns Creek treehouses by Portmanteau Enterprises is slated to begin on March 7, 2023. “I anticipate that the treehouses will attract athletic young families for whom the twenty- to thirty-step tree ladders will be an enticement,” added the mayor. “Think of all the money these folks will save from monthly fees at the gym.”

Fanny Paque, a TikTok influencer for this paper, spent a week surreptitiously recording her mother’s ongoing attempts to control her and her brother. Here, in order to help mothers avoid causing their children to roll their eyes obsessively or run away for good, Fanny cautions parents by sharing one week of aggravating nuggets of her mother’s counsel:

• Have another slice of cheesecake. A few extra calories won’t hurt you.

• You’re going to fall if you wear those high heels. So what if they make your legs look thinner.

• Why don’t you take that nice girl down the block to the prom?

• I could have gotten it cheaper. You should have asked me.

• Why would you share an apartment with three other people when you could live in Grandma’s basement for free?

Weary eye-rolling progeny are invited to contact Ms. Paque with their suggestions for her popular “Mother’s Helper” TikTok account.

Shoelace Collection at High Museum of Art

A new exhibit of shoelaces from around the world will open at the High Museum of Art on April 1, 2023. The laces will be on display in the second floor gallery until Dec. 31. “We are a non-discriminatory institution,” declared the High Museum’s director, Random Suffolk. ”It was time for us to mount an excessively inclusive show.” To that end, one room is devoted entirely to displaying laces of famous individuals with big feet, including Dwight Howard, Andre the Giant, and Mickey Mouse.

For years, couture fashion houses in France and Italy have created bespoke shoelaces for celebrities around the world, and an opening night wine auction and disco will stream films of famous people tying their shoes. In the outdoor plaza, in spite of threats from pro-velcro shoe-closure picketers, volunteer pre-school teachers and patient grandparents will demonstrate shoelace tying for children whose parents have given up.

On the High’s first floor, a slotted receptacle will be available for monetary donations to help men and women who have sprained their ankles while wearing flip flops, and museum patrons can drop used shoelaces that still have aglets into a nearby collection box. Donors are asked to please remove the laces from shoes before making the drop.

No-Kvetch Powder

It’s understandable that you may lose your cool these days, but complaining seems to do no good. Have your friends and family had enough of your bellyaching?

• Are you easily angered by everyday airline cancellations or the invasion of fruit flies?
• Are you about to sever ties with your hairdresser?
• Are you tempted to see the glass half-empty?
• Are you bummed by being passed over for the shul baseball team?
• Are you disheartened by receiving a self-help tome from the book-a-month club?

Fret no more. Scientists at Murk Laboratories have come up with an antidote to your irritations and sense that nobody wants to hear about your tsuris anymore. Murk’s revolutionary No-Kvetch products are guaranteed to finally ease your need for sympathy. Turn your frown upside down and restore your youthful cheerfulness with only one teaspoon of tasty No-Kvetch Powder or one application of soothing gel.

No-Kvetch products are brought to you by the friendly folks who invite you to start the day in a relaxing shower with a bar of No-Kvetch soap and a hearty breakfast of No-Kvetch Krispies, the “look at the bright side” breakfast cereal.

Look out for our next issue, “Twenty Under Twenty Underachievers.”