A Passover Message from Arlene Caplan Appelrouth

Remaining positive during the current political plagues coupled with inflation and fears generated by the financial uncertainty of these times is challenging. Personal situations and events affecting members of my family have forced me to seek a way to remain  focused on the good when circumstances over which I have no control make me want to escape.

In November, my phone rang at one in the morning with news no mother wants to hear.

My baby, a 46- year-old, was in the ICU after a near fatal heart attack.
Paramedics with the Jewish organization Hatzalah had shocked his heart back into normal sinus rhythm.

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Thank God David is recovering and has added cardiac rehab to his schedule. He has prioritized health care over everything else. As a married father of six who is a rabbi, educator and psychotherapist, he leads a busy, productive life.

Health issues, especially as we age, hijack center stage in our lives. A diagnosis of macular degeneration shocked me when diminishing night vision began affecting my ability to drive. How would I be able to remain independent in Atlanta if I couldn’t; drive?

My entrepreneurial son Jed suggested I get an electric car, designed with a self-driving autopilot feature allowing the car to drive itself. Adjusting to the electric vehicle was like learning to drive an Iphone on wheels. I am a computer user but waste a lot of time in a state of confusion while differentiating wifi, the cloud, and which apps to use.

I never thought I’d long for the days when I wrote with my favorite fast writing pen on yellow legal paper, but the older I get, the more the good old days from a simpler past become appealing.

I take pride in keeping up with the times and sounding youthful by using today’s vernacular, but I secretly wish there were a way to be a luddite.

The vagaries of aging bring challenges of all types.

My three children are now middle aged. Like most mothers, even though I have little say about the choices my adult children make, I’m grateful they are happy with themselves and the lives they have created, I am affected by what’s going on in their lives and the lives of my grandchildren.

The Appelrouth family, like many Jewish families in our increasingly secular culture, has been faced with the changing values in these unpredictable times. I have always valued authenticity and emotional transparency. As a mother I encouraged my children to follow their hearts and think for themselves.

Two of my three children are committed to Torah observant orthodox lifestyles, and one is intermarried. My daughter Michelle who works as an attorney for the Federal government in Washington, DC, is facing job insecurity after a stable government career which she chose to be able to be there for her children as they were growing up. In addition, she recently became a divorced single mother, learning to navigate shared child custody. Michelle and her two teenage children are reorienting how they celebrate Jewish holidays and alternate which parent they are with for Passover, Jewish festivals, and family vacations.

Life has never been simple, easy or fair.

Learning to make the best of things, by focusing on what’s meaningful is essential for inner peace and personal happiness. Choosing to live with intentions aligned with your core values is what I believe create a life worth living, especially during these turbulent times filled with violence, man’s inhumanity to man, and worldwide political and economic instability.

Coping with the death of my beloved husband, a respected, successful physician who loved me and being Jewish and participating in Atlanta’s thriving Jewish community, has been challenging. Anyone who has to deal with the loss of a partner, by death or divorce, knows how difficult it is. Dan passed away nine years ago. For me, figuring out where and how I want to live has not been easy. After selling my large home where Dan and I lived in Toco Hills, I became a wandering Jew. I have had seven addresses in nine years and was beginning to despair I would never know where I belonged or feel “at home” again. I realized being with Dan provided my emotional security. Without his unconditional love and acceptance, I was a prisoner of my mind which kept prompting me to move in search of greener grass and inner peace with different living conditions.

After selling my home I moved to Lake Lanier during covid. The isolation caused by the pandemic created loneliness, anxiety and depression. I moved back to Toco Hills, to a small apartment. That didn’t suit me and a social worker from Jewish Family and Children’s Services suggested I move to an over 55 community in Chamblee for the socialization. The walls were thin and I kept being chastised for playing music too loud after 10 pm because I was disturbing my neighbors. I wasn’t happy with the rules or restrictions of apartment living and thought I’d be happier with the amenities of high ceilings and crown moulding. I purchased a condo in a gated community in Sandy Springs, on the Chattahoochee River where I knew many residents who were all delighted with their living conditions and lifestyles.

It didn’t work for me.

My mentor, guide and coach, Dr. Rabbi Analia Bortz, suggested I rent a shabbos apartment in Toco Hills. I maintain memberships in Congregation Beth Jacob and Ohr Hatorah as well as support Congregation Beth Israel, the Chabad synagogue in Forsyth County not far from my lake house. I consider myself a flexidox Jew, who appreciates the customs and beliefs of the many ways there are to follow Jewish traditions and live as a committed Jew.

When I was dealing with health issues, and learning to accept my son’s heart attack and the changes and challenges created by my daughter’s divorce, my Iphone was stolen and a tree crashed into my lake house. I felt like the Biblical Job and had a conversation with my friend, Rabbi Michoel Lippschutz about all the tsuris (Yiddish for trouble) in my life. Responding like the Torah observant, outreach Kollel rabbi he is, Rabbi Lippschutz took a deep breath and with a smile, asked if I had checked my mezuzahs. In the world of Torah observant Jews, when life isn’t going smoothly, there is the belief that the Hebrew words on the mezuzah scrolls may be smeared or damaged and that is bringing bad luck.

I tend to think of that as superstitious, but with one catastrophe after another, I was willing to check anything to change the course of what was happening in my life. I gave Rabbi Lippschutz permission to check my mezuzahs. When he told me that three of them had to be replaced, I asked him to order new ones.

A few weeks later, my realtor, Tommy Sands, called with the news a house on Reindeer Drive in Toco Hills was recently listed. He thought it was just what I was looking for. My friends the Brickmans lived on that street and I made an appointment to take a look. Tommy was right. After downsizing, and moving from a house to an apartment and then a condo, I made an offer to upsize and bought the house which also has a separate apartment with its own entrance on the ground floor which will be perfect if I become one of those seniors who needs a live-in caregiver.

I moved in February and have spent the last two months making it the home of my dreams. Did all this happen because of my mezuzahs? My psychiatrist calls it magical thinking, and dismisses the notion the power of the sacred and holy words in my mezuzahs have changed the direction of my fate. Why things have changed doesn’t matter, I’m grateful to God to have escaped from the prison created by my mind that turned me into a wandering Jew trying to find where I belonged in order to have an attitude of gratitude.

As I get ready to celebrate Passover, I appreciate my freedom from the slavery of moving – again and again and again.

I want to extend the warmest wishes to all of you, for a meaningful Passover. And if you’re troubled by anything, I suggest you have your mezuzahs checked. What do you have to lose?

Arlene Appelrouth is a writer, with an evolving Jewish identity. She is a widow who is proud of her three middle-aged children who adores each of her ten grandchildren. She considers herself an outrageous older woman, a warrior of psychotherapy and considers herself a “flexidox Jew.”