‘How to Raise Resilient Children’ Draws Large Crowd

Atlanta psychiatrist, Eric Fier, MD, and Ben Pargman spoke to a large group of parents during a presentation at Congregation Shearith Israel, “Teen Mental Health: Secrets to Raising Resilient Children in Our Current Culture,” on Oct. 28.

Ben Pargman began the discussion with a story about his son, Manny, who passed away shortly after Thanksgiving break last year while attending college as a freshman at the University of Colorado-Boulder. “Manny was the happiest kid I knew. He had tons of friends, was a talented musician, DJ, and athlete, and was so kind to everyone. When the deputy coroner of Boulder County called me to tell me my son had died by suicide, I thought he had the wrong person.”

He described his life as being “flipped upside down” after that day, and Pargman is on a mission to change how parents interact with their children. In fact, he was particularly struck by a comment made by a Boulder detective. “It’s extremely rare that parents say, ‘I knew this day would come.’ Many of the parents I contact are shocked when we reach out to them. They never see it coming,” he recounted.

“Manny came home during Thanksgiving and seemed a little more tired than usual. He jumped on our trampoline with his brothers, threw a ball with them, saw ‘Moana 2’ at the theater with all of us, and seemed more or less like himself. I took him to the airport and waved goodbye as he was leaving. Little did I know that 72 hours later, I would receive a call that would change all of our lives.

More meaningful, in-depth conversations between parents and their children are absolutely necessary, Pargman emphasized. He stressed that parents should not shy away from asking “hard questions” even if they feel uncomfortable.

“Ask the tough questions if you are concerned, even if they feel awkward,” he recommended. “I’ve noticed you’ve been sleeping a lot lately and wearing the same clothes. Is there something bothering you?” he suggested. He told the audience, “Even asking if your child has been thinking about or contemplating suicide is not off limits.” That question, in fact, could be the one that potentially saves a person’s life, he shared. Studies repeatedly show that people do not start thinking about suicide just because someone asks them about it.

Frequent and open communication that allows children, teens, and young adults to fully explore their thoughts and feelings is necessary. Young people also may not tell their parents they are thinking about suicide out of concern over how they might react. But by asking direct, non-judgmental questions, parents can encourage their children to share their thoughts and feelings.

The one question Pargman told participants to stop asking high schoolers is where they want to go to college. He would like to make this question as socially unacceptable as asking someone about their income. Whether speaking with the most academically gifted student or a teen who prefers to look at pursuing music or a trade school, the question adds unnecessary anxiety to what could be a teen’s already stressful situation.

As Pargman ended his portion of the program, he warned those assembled about the dangers of the smart phone and social media. The dark web offers many websites and opportunities for a depressed or anxious young person to interact with a dangerous chatbot or find directions for taking their life. Parents should monitor their children’s usage and social media accounts, as warranted, as well as push back on premature requests for access to a cell phone, Pargman cautioned.

Suicide is the second leading cause of death among people aged 10 to 14 and 15 to 24. The National Alliance of Mental Health, citing 2023 statistics, said 20 percent of U.S. high school students had serious thoughts of suicide in 2023. According to a 2024 report issued by the CDC, the number of adolescents reporting poor mental health is increasing. The study found that building strong bonds and connecting to youth can protect their mental health.

Fier reiterated Pargman’s call for connection, empathy and resilience among young people. Fier, a preeminent Atlanta psychiatrist and founder of TherapyWorks ATL, focused on how parents can actively help their children develop emotional strength. According to Fier, resilience and emotional intimacy are two of the most important qualities parents can help build in their children. He shared that parents can absolutely reframe situations by looking at the strength their child exhibited in any given scenario.

“Call attention to how your child persevered in any circumstance by asking questions about how they got through a tough time,” he suggested. “People can learn to change their narrative through a positive lens. As parents, we can shift our kids’ perception by asking what went right and how they overcame a tough situation,” he stressed.

He also emphasized the importance of what he calls “internal intimacy,” a person truly knowing and accepting themselves with all their disparate parts. In order to connect at a deeper level with others, people must first know themselves, he shared. Parents can help their children by modeling this behavior and teaching children how to be “fully present for the people they care about.”

“In my practice, I know that no amount of symptom checklists or diagnostic labels will ever replace what it means to be invited into the world of someone who is hurting and to be gifted with their trust. That’s essential — and it’s sacred. That’s where healing takes place,” Fier emphasized.

Looking intently at the full room, he quickly followed up, stating, “Why should all this matter to you? Because it has everything to do with raising kind, sensitive but anti-fragile, resilient and connected children.”

Fier shared the following six points that parents need to understand, remember and teach their kids:

Everyone is hurting. In some way, everyone is broken. Despite what social media would lead many to believe, everyone has pain. Not everyone takes fabulous vacations, is happy all the time and stays thin. And don’t compare one’s pain to another. Everyone has their pain.

Resilience has nothing to do with not hurting. Or with not bruising. Resilience is about the capacity to press ahead despite the pain. If anything, that pain can be the most precious gift people can carry and keeps individuals connected to humanity, empathy, and meaning.

Happiness is a byproduct, not a destination. Study after study shows that aiming for happiness almost always leads to disappointment and frustration. One of the most famous happiness studies showed that when you are doing things with the motivation and expectation that these things ought to make you happy, the likelier it will be that it will lead to disappointment and decreased happiness. The best way to increase happiness is to stop worrying about being happy and divert the energy to nurturing bonds with friends and other people.

Social bonds are not built through texting. Despite the fact teens and young adults are the most electronically connected generation in history, rates of reported loneliness are higher than ever. Texting is easy and convenient, but study after study has proven that all the LOLs and emojis in the world do not replace the actual expressions of kindness, understanding, empathy and shared experience.

What’s a Mirror Neuron and why they are important? Mirror neurons are clusters of cells throughout the brain that allow humans to subconsciously observe the movements, body language, and facial expressions of others and to mirror it back to them. For example, humans often smile when others are smiling or yawn when those around them yawn. Humans are neurologically hard-wired by these mirror neurons for empathy and how they naturally show others they are connected and in-sync with them. It lets people literally feel seen. Unfortunately, mirror neurons do not work via social media such as Snapchat or by texting. If anyone knows someone is hurting, they should visit them, sit with them, and hold their hand.

Preserve Childhood. Kids have the rest of their lives to be adults. They only get one chance to be kids — and much of how they learn to be successful, semi-well-adjusted adults is learned in childhood. The outside world will expose children to developmentally inappropriate subjects at young ages. These themes are not a normal part of child development. Children, aged 5 to 10, just need to play – and that play does not take place on a screen. Boredom can be a gift that propels children to read books, go outside and look for friends with whom to play.

“For our kids to develop into healthy, individuated, capable adults, they need to see themselves as the beautifully complex, nuanced, multifaceted individuals that G-d created them to be” said Fier.

Individuation is the process by which an individual develops a unique and distinct personality, becoming their own separate self through integration of conscious and unconscious elements. Fier cautioned parents to steer their children away from defining themselves by their pronouns, psychological diagnoses, or what they see as broken. He mentioned that he hears many kids identifying themselves by way of their psychological conditions, instead of telling stories of who they are, what they like, the challenges they overcame or the resilience they displayed.

“Now, if you are a bit impulsive, lose track of time, and really enjoy your deep dives, you are not a creative, interesting, tangential thinker, you’re ADHD. If too much eye contact makes you uncomfortable and you’re a bit hesitant to start conversations, you’re no longer shy, you have social anxiety,” he shared.

To reshape children’s narratives about themselves, he told parents to approach their children when they observe them navigating through something difficult – and pressing through it. Making comments like, “I noticed that you were really struggling with that assignment,” “I know it still hurts, but I really admire how you got through that,” or “How did you do that? Where did that strength or that skill come from?” are not just compliments, according to Fier. Parents are calling their attention to the fact that their children persevered and are capable, durable and resilient.

Another important activity for instilling empathy and resilience in kids, said Fier, is to encourage children to make a difference in someone else’s life. When parents and children participate, they should talk to the people they are helping to truly connect. Joining Chabad’s Friendship Circle to visit a child once a week and throw a baseball or shoot hoops, delivering food to a food pantry and serving a meal at a shelter are all activities he suggested. He believes that is how kids learn what it means to have a sense of purpose and connection.

The funny, animated and approachable Fier spoke about many subjects during his talk, including the importance of spending time in nature with children, practicing how to have a sense of awe, experiencing Shabbat as a family, and creating quiet and peaceful spaces in life. Developing these qualities is an essential part of parenting and fosters the emotional intimacy needed in today’s hectic world.

The informative presentation was coordinated by Pia Koslow Frank and Susie Mackler.  On the Sunday following the talk, Koslow Frank and Mackler, as well as Ben Pargman, led a large group of volunteers representing Manny’s Band on the Out of Darkness community walk at Piedmont Park.

Manny’s Band was founded last year to honor the memory of Manny Pargman, a creative, dynamic, empathetic and vibrant young man who touched the souls of all he met. A gifted musician, Manny was a talented drummer and DJ, as well as a natural athlete who played baseball and soccer. Manny’s Band provides advocacy and education training to teens, teachers and music mentors; supports Greek life and faith organizations in building grassroots prevention networks; hosts music festivals and events that raise awareness and spark meaningful conversations; and award scholarships for youth-created mental health content on TikTok, Instagram, and other platforms.

The first Manny’s Band Concert will be held on Wednesday, Nov. 26, at Buckhead Theatre. A limited number of tickets are currently available and may be purchased at https://mannysband.org/the-mannys-band-concert/