Jewish Matchmaker Offers Rules for Relationships

For those searching for love and relationships in the fast-moving, technologically driven world of the 21st century, there is the latest title from Aleeza Ben Shalom. After a well-publicized run in the Netflix series, “Jewish Matchmaker,” she recently released her third book about the search for happiness in a satisfying relationship.

Her new book, “Matchmaker Matchmaker,” is a quick and easy read that follows 11 of her clients to reveal important tips and dating advice that develop from their individual experiences.

There’s a quick summary at the end of each chapter for those who prefer to skip the dialogue between Ben Shalom and the person she’s chosen to highlight.

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In chapter one, for example, you’ll encounter the Five Five and Five Rule, which is to pursue a promising relationship with at least five dates of no more than five hours each at no more than five days apart. Don’t give up too quickly, she advises, to allow for a deeper dive into conversation and reflection. And keep your hands to yourself.

Ben Shalom, who is originally from Philadelphia and who met her husband more than 20 years ago at a singles retreat in Orlando, is a firm believer in limiting physical contact when you’re getting to know someone. She is said to have held hands with her husband for the first time after a four-month courtship, when they were both saying their vows under the chuppah. She believes touching another too quickly just gets in the way of building a true relationship.

Aleeza Ben Shalom’s new book follows 11 people she coached while they were dating.

“If you introduce it without taking the time to develop an emotional bond,” she says, “you can trick yourself into believing there’s a deeper connection than there is. It’s why, even after dating someone for weeks, months, or even years, a person may think they share real intimacy with their partner when, in reality, they might not know them at all.”

It’s the old principle of dating behavior that has long been observed in the Orthodox world, shomer negiah, which forbids contact even when a couple has established a liking for one another.

She has other hard and fast rules, which she wrote about in a column in the Wall Street Journal just before Valentine’s Day this year.

On those five dates you agree to, put your phone away. You can’t look at it while you’re getting to know another person. Keep up strong eye contact, listen to the other person, ask questions, and use their name when you talk with them.

“I’m often surprised,” she writes, ”by just how many people don’t quite appreciate the value of attention.”

And just before you go on your way, one person needs to pay for the drinks or coffee or the meal.

“This shouldn’t be about power or gender; the same person shouldn’t have to pay every time. But the gesture is an expression of openness and optimism and can go a long way toward rewarding the vulnerability of simply showing up.”

Her book similarly offers straight forward advice on what to look for in what she describes as a quality human being. She offers a total of 20 questions under the headings of serious, fun and deep as a way to get to a better understanding of the person you’re learning to know.

She also doesn’t suggest ignoring the attributes that might make a quality human being, too. She offers a test based on the formula of “P” for personality plus “V” for values that she suggests you and your date both take to arrive at a better understanding of “C,” compatibility.

As for her, she’s been married to the same man, Gershon Ben Shalom, for over two decades and they make their home just outside Haifa in Israel. So, while she travels the world offering advice in person to those who follow her frequent podcasts and speed-dating programs, he’s at home minding their five children.

During the past month, she’s been the headliner in programs in Ft Lauderdale, Tenafly, N.J., and Mexico City. And, to carry her ideas into the world, at other times, she has trained over 350 would-be matchmakers. Their job is what she describes as the three roles of a successful matchmaker, as a connector, a coach and a closer to support clients and finalize relationships. And there’s more training to come.

She’s set as her ambitious goal for the next year a network of matchmaking programs in Jewish communities around the world.

“You’re going to see it over the coming years, but very strongly in the next year, to develop different epicenters all around the world in 12 different regions,” she says, “so that you will be able to have a strong Jewish matchmaking network near wherever you may live.”