THEN & NOW: Love Couples

A Harvard study of 724 long-married couples showed that it wasn’t love, sex, nor children that kept them together. It was the ability to tolerate the same annoying things in each other repeatedly vs. the divorced group who tried to fix the other.

These nine Atlanta Jewish Times’ long-married couples (averaging 60 years) also learned not to suppress, but to release, choosing peace over being right. Herein our couples revealed some of their long-married secrets. Lyons Heyman joked that he made all the big decisions “like global warming and the national interest rates” while letting Gail make “little” decisions like “where to live and how to raise the children.” Sheila Wilensky made sure her matzo balls were “floaters not sinkers” to please Larry (it took four tries to read the directions right on the Manischewitz box). Leo Benator (who passed just weeks before this article published) when first meeting Louise, grabbed her hips and called them “buttresses.” Jerry Cooper advises to never teach your wife tennis while playing tennis.

“A good marriage is like a game of chess – the husband may be the king, but the queen has all the moves” speaks to complexity and compromise. See how these nine colorful couples strove to be and stay on the same team.

Susie and Don Sommer

55 years

Wed: June 14, 1970, at Beth Israel Synagogue, Schenectady, N.Y.

How you met:

Don: At the Temple Chanukah dance. She was my girlfriend at my bar mitzvah.

Susie: Someone brought mistletoe to the dance, and Don danced with me and kissed me under the mistletoe. I was stunned!

Initial Attraction:  

Don: I thought she was beautiful.

Susie: I saw Don dancing with all the other girls at the Temple dance, and he was a terrific dancer. I wanted to meet him.

Secret to a happy marriage:   

Don: A continued supply of homemade matzah ball soup.

Susie: Go with the flow and take turns doing the dirty jobs. For example: Tell the kids we had to cancel vacation, pick up mother-in-law at the doctor’s, clean up after the dog, And always love the one you’re with!

 

Gail Goldstein and Lyons Joel Heyman, Jr.

51 years

Wed: June 30, 1974, at Ahavath Achim Synagogue

How you met:

Lyons: I had a car as a freshman at UGA and was picking up Gail’s sorority sisters for dinner. Gail jumped in the front seat next to me — couldn’t catch my breath.

Gail: First day, winter quarter at UGA at a TEP and DPhiE dinner.

Initial attraction?

Lyons: She was very friendly and confident. And she didn’t mind that I was a Jewish “Jr.” from a small Georgia city, Rome. She was a “big city girl” and that was sexy.

Gail: I thought he was cute and nice and kind.

Secret to a happy marriage:

Lyons: I make all the big decisions like national interest rates, détente, global warning, etc. Gail makes all the little decisions like where we are going to live, how to raise the kids, where we go on vacation, household budget, etc.

Gail: Patience, understanding and acceptance.

 

Maxine and Ron Rosen

62 years

Wed: June 2,1963, Pittsburgh, Penn.

How you met:

Ron: Maxine was a social worker assigned to a pediatric patient. I was a senior med student assigned to same patient. Maxine could not talk to the attending doctor or resident.

Maxine: True, but the only one I could talk to was Ron. We have been talking ever since.

Initial attraction:

Ron: Maxine had great legs.

Maxine: I actually preferred Ron’s roommate, but he was tenacious.

Secret to a happy marriage:

Ron: Staying by her side when her mother was dying.

Maxine: Mutual respect, trust, learning to listen and being there at the hard times. I was a marital therapist and frequently advised these same “secrets.”

 

Barbara Cristal and Robert Krasnoff

70 years

Wed: June 29, 1955, at the Progressive Club

How you met:

Robert: We met at a pledge party at AEPi at Georgia Tech. We “met-greeted” and went in opposite directions. Several months later, I asked her to the yearly IFC weekend gala.

Barbara: I had a date (he asked me three days prior- a big “no-no” in the 1950s). He was not to be denied, as he later crashed an after-function breakfast at my home. He outlasted my date and stayed ’til 2 a.m. That was the spark that lit the flame. Physical attraction was very strong, but we also had similar tastes in music and humor.

Secret to a happy marriage:

Barbara: Don’t sweat the small stuff, which allows love and respect to grow.

Bob: There’s no issue worth an argument. Dislike confrontation — especially with someone I love.

 

Leo (OBM) and Louise Benatar

69 years

Wed: Sept. 2, 1956, at B’nai Zion Congregation, Chattanooga, Tenn.

How you met:

Louise: Blind date. Leo initially backed out, but then the “replacement” had a death in the family, so Leo ended up coming after all. Chaperoning a BBYO dance, I had my back to the door, I felt these hands on my hips and a wisecracking voice said, “In the Navy, we call these Buttresses,” and I decided I don’t need this garbage, and without looking I decided I would never date him.

Leo: Blind date — I didn’t want to go because I was dating someone in Atlanta. But when the other guy backed out, I decided I would.

Initial attraction:

Leo: During the evening, I felt like we had so much in common, and she was a very nice person. After the date, on the way back to Atlanta, I told my friend that’s the girl I am going to marry.

Louise: His intelligence and sense of humor.

Secret to a happy marriage:

Louise: Settling your arguments early, before you go to bed.

Leo: Saying yes!

 

Susan and Fred Feinberg

57 years

Wed: Aug. 18, 1968, at Baron Hirsh Synagogue, Memphis, Tenn.

How you met:

Susan: Sam Mislow introduced us. Fred walked over to my apartment at the Bordeau Apartments on Buford Highway from his apartment down the street on a rainy night because his car was stolen the night before. He asked me to drive him home; and I didn’t believe him, so he walked back to his apartment in the rain.

Initial attraction:

Fred: Susan volunteered to type my graduate school assignments; and her outgoing personality.

Susan: I was in the process of moving into another apartment and Fred volunteered to move all of my shoe boxes!

Secret to a happy marriage:

Fred: Giving space to your partner to do things they enjoy.

Susan: Finding something you enjoy together and for us it has been raising our children, enjoy our grandchildren, and traveling together.

 

Jean and Jerry Cooper

66 years 

Wed: Dec. 29, 1958, at Kingston Country Club, Kingston, N.C.

How you met:

Jerry: Jean moved to Atlanta to work at Rich’s.

Jean: Jerry is an architect. His salary was $70 a week. College friend Sidell and Ted Frankel (AZA friend) set us up on a blind date. Meanwhile, their baby was sick, so we doubled with Barbara and Elliott Levitas.

Initial attraction:

Jean: Jerry was fun and smart and seemed impressive to me.

Jerry: Jean brought me into a world of sunshine. I fell for her at the beginning on the date.

Secret to a happy marriage:

Jerry: Never try to teach your wife how to play tennis while playing tennis. Overall, it takes a lot of determination, hard work, and overlooking the warts, we all have them.

Jean: Our children and grandchildren bring us joy. Jerry designed our home 60 years ago that we love today more than when it was initially built. It’s our haven of warmth and security that we created together; and we are so lucky to have each other.

 

Sheila and Larry Wilensky

63 years

Wed: July 15, 1962, at Temple of Israel ,Wilmington, N.C.

How you met:

Larry: We met at Sheila’s college roommate’s wedding, as she was marrying Larrry’s fraternity brother; and both of us were in the wedding.

Initial attraction:

Larry: Sheila’s beautiful red hair.

Sheila: Larry had a fabulous smile and did anything he could to please me.

Secret to a happy marriage:

Sheila: We were ALWAYS each of our children’s best friends. It made for an amazing life! Every track of land Larry looked at that looked ripe for development, he would call “a beautiful girl.” That began almost the month after we married, and we are still looking and developing “beautiful girls.” We were partners, and I think I loved the land and development as much as he did.

Larry: It’s certainly not her cooking! Once she went to Happy Herman’s to buy a hot dog meal.

 

Michael and Gail Habif

49 years   

Wed: Aug. 15, 1976, at the Doral Hotel, Miami Beach, Fla.

How you met and the initial attraction:

Michael: August 1972 at a ZBT party during our freshman year at Tulane. I saw Gail from across the room talking with Paul Rubin of blessed memory. I was smitten with her beauty and personality from the moment he introduced us. We were friends until I asked Gail to go on a date which was Homecoming, Nov. 4. We were inseparable during the next four years of college.

Gail: In his dorm room while visiting his roommate, Paul. After being best friends for two months, I fell madly in love with him, his smile, gentleness, and compassion.

Secret to a happy marriage:

Michael: We’ve never had to work at it. We were meant to be together.

Gail: Marry someone who loves you with every fiber of their being … the same as you love them.