Therapist Shares Valentine’s Tips for Finding Love
Rhonda Findling explores a variety of topics for healthy dating and relationships.
After 37 years with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution and now with the AJT, , Jaffe’s focus is lifestyle, art, dining, fashion, and community events with emphasis on Jewish movers and shakers.
As technology and dating protocol evolve with societal trends, therapist Rhonda Findling weighs in on how to get romance right, or perhaps, not at all. As Bogart crooned, “It’s still the same old story … the world will always welcome lovers, as time goes by.”
Valentine’s Day, with all its drama about roses and candy, still leads us to evaluate our own heart throbbing: the adrenaline rush of new romance, women marrying later, and is waiting to have sex still a “thing?”
Author of “Men, Love, and Disco,” Findling herself struggled with her mother about marrying a Jewish man. Now, she specializes in helping women enter healthy relationships and exit unhealthy ones.
Technology has changed everything. Years ago, one had to wait for someone to call on a landline and be there to get the message. Now, Findling advises that meeting organically is more fruitful than online apps.
“Attend events where people naturally socialize. I enjoy karaoke — it’s an easy way to meet new people. If you love to tango, join a tango class. There are meetups for people who speak French. Attend Friday night services at your local synagogue and stay for the refreshments, where mingling occurs. Explore open poetry mics or trivia nights at local bars. Push yourself to smile and start conversations. Ask friends to introduce you to someone they know who’s single and looking to connect. Finding the right person will likely take some effort, Prince Charming isn’t going to gallop up to your doorstep!”
The U.S. census showed that women are marrying later or not at all. A fascinating book, “Going Solo,” advances the theory that as women are more financially independent, they may not “need” to land a man for security. Findling relates, “I think going solo is a great idea because you can just enjoy life and not be bogged down with always looking for a boyfriend or potential husband. However, there’s nothing wrong with getting involved with a man if you meet that special someone.”
For those super successful women (51 percent of dental and medical schools are female for example), she proffers, “Don’t be too super picky. If you are successful, you may have to date men who make less than you, or else you are severely narrowing your pool of potential husbands.”
Then there’s interfaith dating which widens the field. She stated, “If raising a family is one of your major goals, than perhaps Jewish dating is best. As a Jewish woman, I have dated men of different faiths and didn’t find it much different. Although most of them … weren’t very religious anyway.”
Getting women to walk away from unhealthy relationships is one of Findling’s “sweet spots.”
She said,” If you see signs that he’s not relationship oriented, drop him. Don’t be in denial, rationalize or make allowances when you know instinctively that it’s not going anywhere.”
Her tip on disengaging from a bad situation: “Be honest about what’s bothering you in the relationship. If he isn’t receptive or [is] unwilling to work on it, it may be time to end things. It’s better to face the pain now than to prolong it and suffer more later. Once you’ve cut ties, resist the urge to contact him — no matter how lonely you feel … Adopt a ‘Next’ mindset.”
Regarding no sex until monogamy, Findling mused, “That’s a good suggestion if you can stick to it. It can be difficult if there’s a lot of chemistry between you and the man.”
Looking back at her career, native New Yorker Findling made the talk show circuit where she recalled that going on “Geraldo” was most exciting because of the show’s popularity and her fun repartee talking to him during commercial breaks.
Her film “La Vie En Rhonda,” got into five film festivals and was about her long-distance romantic relationship with a much younger man. Her book “Men, Love and Disco,” empowers women to not only survive, but have the ability to transcend pain from ending a romantic relationship and emerge stronger and wiser from the experience. Findling is the author of six pop psychology books, including the internationally acclaimed, “Don’t Call That Man! A Survival Guide To Letting Go” (Hyperion) that has been translated into eight languages. A lifelong New Yorker until 2019, Findling now lives in Atlanta.
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