Temple Sinai Visiting Scholar Emphasizes Relationships
Psychologist Betsy Stone spoke about the positives and negatives of how we relate to one another in these troubling times.
For its latest scholar-in-residence program, Temple Sinai welcomed Betsy Stone, a psychologist who often consults with synagogues and other important organizations and institutions in the American Jewish world. The visit over a Shabbat earlier this month was an opportunity for the congregants and staff at the Sandy Springs synagogue to explore how they relate to one another, how they interact across the generational divide and how they encounter many of the social and psychological issues that have become so important over the last year.
In a short Friday night sermon that served to keynote the visit, she elaborated on her understanding of the central teachings of Jewish belief that, for her, is about how we treat one another.
“The central teaching of Torah isn’t actually about G-d. It’s about human relationships. I’m a shrink. It’s about tzedakah and caring for people who need what I have.” she said. “It’s about kindness and compassion and altruism, which are all different.”
In a follow-up interview, she emphasized her understanding of how much time the Torah and our religious sages spend on how we build relationships that strengthen us as human beings. Much of the Talmud and the teachings of the Torah, as she understands them, are about creating understanding.
“We spend huge amounts of time trying to create spaces and create understandings of why and how we can be kind to each other, be connected to each other. How to treat each other with kavod, honorably. Jewish history and Jewish writings are rife with questions about how … we connect with other people in deep ways.”
In helping the synagogue answer some the questions surrounding relationships, most of her time at Temple Sinai was spent, not in preaching and teaching, but in the synagogue’s outsized sanctuary listening, in relatively small groups, to parents and their children, educators, and staff as they wrestled with issues of contemporary importance. She believes that too often today we approach our conversations with a desire to convert others to our point of view rather than to truly hear them. She believes that such an approach undermines instead of enhancing how we see one another.
“We very often approach arguments and disagreements from the point of view of, ‘I want to win’ as opposed to ‘I want to connect.’ They’re very different than, ‘I want to know you.’ In many spaces and I don’t mean just the Jewish world, if I need to win, I’m willing to have you lose.”
Stone, who holds a PhD in psychology, frequently consults with organizations that want to improve how they communicate internally as well as with their constituencies. She’s done work with Hillel, Hebrew Union College and the Central Conference of American Rabbis, and such locally based groups as the Blue Dove Foundation and the Jewish Grandparents Network. She frequently writes for the website blog of the Times of Israel and Jewish Philanthropy, Last year, just before the High Holidays, she self-published a collection of these writings entitled, “Refuah Shlema: Reflections on Healing and Growth.”
In the book she wrote about how in years past, as is the Jewish teaching, she used the days just before Yom Kippur to apologize to those she might have inadvertently wronged or alienated in some way. But in a new attempt to rebuild her relationships, she took a different tack.
“I tried something new,” she pointed out. “I went to those same people and told them the ways they are blessings in my life. I talked or wrote or emailed about their generosity, their kindness, the ways they impact me and the world around them … I told my granddaughters about their laughter and hugs. I told my kids how their love – for us and for each other – sustains me. I told my husband how he supports me and pushes me.”
As we approach the New Year and the Day of Atonement which demand a certain sense of self-awareness and introspection, she feels we need to be more positive. Despite the prayers and readings that we utter during our worship that castigate us for our shortcomings, she believes we should also spend considerable time dwelling on our strengths.
“I think that I would like us to include in our tapping on our chest, as we sit in prayer, a real sense of who we are and how I am created. What assets has G-d given me? We tend to spend a lot of time thinking about what’s wrong with us. I’m not sure how much we might be advanced by thinking more about how we are made in a positive way. What do I have that helps me to creates an opportunity for me to give to the world?”
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